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Is Your Gifted Child Actually Struggling? Don’t Miss the Signs

Updated: Dec 27, 2024

Heartfelt advice from an experienced teacher and parent of gifted children on how to make sure you don't miss the very subtle teacher feedback that might be letting you know your child is headed for trouble.


Parenting is always offering us new opportunities to learn some humility. Looking back, I sometimes cringe at what I didn't know back then.


I was at school pickup, waiting on the playground with the other moms. People went early, to chat and let younger siblings play outside a bit.


My firstborn had just started first grade at this new school.  


“How’s it going for you guys?” someone asked me. Other parents were sharing their pain.


Lots of kids were having a rough transition to full-day school, my kid included.  


“My child is just bored…he already knows the stuff they're teaching,” I said.


I thought my child was just bored. I didn't know then that he was actually, really struggling.


I had no idea back then that being gifted could set kids up to have different problems.


I also hadn't learned to REALLY HEAR the things that teachers - and even some of my teacher friends - were gently trying to tell me.


But after decades of parenting and teaching gifted kids, I can tell you this with complete confidence: Every one of them will struggle at some point.

If I had known then what I know now...


Parenting a Gifted Child Means Some Struggles Look Different


You’re expecting me to say be humble or don’t brag. Let your child fail at some things and learn on their own. And those things are true. But they’re not my best advice. 


Let’s fast forward to today: You are the frustrated parent of a very bright child. I'm an experienced gifted teacher.


I can share some things that might help. 


Expect This: Every Bright Kid Will Struggle (It's Just a Matter of When)


The unique abilities bright kids have gives them some advantages. Those advantages create other problems. Here are three really important things to know:


  1. Gifted kids teach themselves.

Learning rapidly and independently often means learning gaps. This sets them up for frustration later.


  1. Gifted kids often breeze through PK-2.

Then they hit their first obstacle, usually in third or fourth grade. You wonder what the heck happened. You might blame the new teacher or the curriculum: 


“This teacher is always on his case! She doesn't get how bright he is!” 


“These third grade assignments! He’s just so bored with that online math.” 


  1. Gifted kids are usually missing critical executive function skills that other kids already developed.


Wait, what? How do they miss learning some executive function skills, you say? Let me explain:


First, acquiring executive function is a long, ongoing process. So it's never too late.


Second, when teachers are specifically teaching essential school skills, bright kids can get by on their own, so they often don't learn them when their peers do.


This chart gives examples that help readers understand how young gifted kids can miss learning small, important skills in the early grades.  The three columns give what the PK-2 challenge might be, what students should be learning, and what the bright kids probably did. For example, during puzzle time, students are learning how to work hard when something is challenging, try different approaches, ask for help, or work with a partner. But the bright child just breezes through the puzzle and moves on to the next center. So they miss the learning those skills when theyir peers are learning them. This sets them up for a struggle later on.

I bet you can see your child in a few of those.


By upper elementary, many students have already tackled some difficulties and learned some things that help. Many bright kids are just tackling their first challenge. And they don't know how.


It's hard for parents to consider that their gifted child is now a little behind. Students will show the most improvement when teachers and parents work together to fill in the gaps.

Some of my work with parents is helping identify the root cause of the gifted child's struggle. Part of that process is gathering all the information.


Go To a Conference and Keep An Open Mind


It's common for parents to get a failed test for their bright child and push back. Things I've heard:


"He wasn't given the words on time." "We didn't know the test was coming." "We were absent." "Still not getting the team newsletter!"


Sure, these things can happen - once in a while. But if it becomes your weekly jam, it's time to act.


DON'T be the parent that ignores the subtle clues that your child is starting to need more support. Remember, it WILL happen. It's not an IF, it's a WHEN.


When you're concerned, schedule a parent conference and try to set any defensiveness aside.


Concerned parents attending a parent/teacher conference with their bright child.

The conference will start by exchanging greetings and talking about what is going well.


Then, a gentle suggestion for improvement will be made. And it usually isn't strongly worded. Listen carefully for this to happen, because it will be subtle.


It might sound like:


"Jackson is eager to learn, and would benefit from taking more time with his assignments."


"Sophia is a good friend, and we're working on encouraging her to focus on her own work."


Each of these statements is raising a concern in a very polite way. You don't want to miss what they are trying to tell you.


Dig deeper when you hear this. Try asking:


  • What does it look like when Jackson needs to take more time?


  • How can Sophia focus better - is she off task, or talking a lot?


  • What can I do to support you at home?


Keep a Supportive Watch


All schools have a system for collecting information about how kids are doing. They might call it different things, but everyone measures what a child already knows and how they are making progress.


When you schedule a meeting with the school, you should go over this data. Be sure you ask them to:


  • share the data with you


  • help you understand it


  • give you copies take home

Often, bright and gifted children aren't performing low enough to need interventions from school staff, but that doesn't mean they don't need some help. Getting as much information as you can and working with the teacher is the best way to start.


For the best outcomes, you should:


  • Expect that your child will need support at some point.


  • Stay alert for when things become difficult.


  • Ask careful questions and look at the data.


By understanding the challenges of these very unique kids and staying open to the idea that they're going to struggle somewhere, sometime, you'll be ready.


The support ideas often seem simple. Try them anyway. Supporting your child through school is a long journey. And adding some tools to your toolbox will come in handy for sure!


If you're feeling concerned or have a nagging worry that things aren't quite right with your child, that's what I'm here for - to listen and ask questions that help you problem solve.


 

When you're ready, here's how I can help you:



Check out my free printables section.


If you want the relief and peace you get from an executive function coach, here's some info.



Let's talk about what you'd like help with.



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