Kids that struggle with ADHD are like whirlwinds of potential - along with some invisible forces that throw things off.
This can be frustrating for everyone.
You might catch yourself thinking, “If they would just try a bit harder, they'd nail this.”
Which feels terrible! For them AND for you.
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Those thoughts are only human, but what looks like a lack of effort to you could actually be a huge struggle.
Kids can feel like they’re swimming against the tide while everyone around them is cruising.
Here’s three important things you can do to make sure that you’re supporting ADHD:
Don't Accidentally Make ADHD Feelings Worse
Bright children have ideas that buzz around like bees. It’s hard to focus with all that humming.
This is where adults say things that they THINK are encouraging. They might say "You just need to try harder," or "You’re smart enough to figure this out on your own."
Those words hurt and suggest that the struggle is a choice. But really, ADHD a real thing that is happening in the brain.
Small changes to your comments make you more supportive:
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Good Grades Don’t Mean That Everything is Fine
Academic success can make the tough times harder to spot.
You might not see the grades fall when your child struggles with ADHD.
Instead, it might look like the child:
doesn’t seem to be paying attention,
needs directions repeated,
has trouble getting started,
forgets important items or steps, or
expresses frustration.
Bright students can compensate: they can actually "cover up" their struggle so that you don't see it.
For example, a student that wasn't paying attention during the read-aloud can quickly read the story and catch up.
Or, if they miss an important step on something, they have time to do it again.
Students with ADHD and Decent Grades Are Probably Working TWICE AS HARD.
And yet, when they express frustration, we dismiss them: “It looks fine, you finished it.”
“Don’t worry about it, you only missed a few.”
“You forgot that step, but you had time to go back.”
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Adults think these words feel supportive.
They're not.
The BRIGHT child with ADHD knows that it wasn’t their best. And worse, you might be suggesting “finishing it" is okay ... when they know it's not their personal best.
Bright kids want you to hold them to their highest standard. They want you to help them get there.
Comparison is the Enemy
Expert William Dodson, M.D., estimates that children with ADHD receive about 20,000 more negative messages by age 10 than children who don't have it.
These messages are sometimes sharp reminders:
“Pay attention!”
“Sit still!”
“Get back on task!”
And sometimes they are comparisons:
“Most students have gotten started already.”
“Some students are almost finished.”
“If you’re not sure, look around and see what your neighbors are doing.”
Comparisons make things worse. They ignore that everyone has challenges and strengths. Students with ADHD are more sensitive to them, too.
Name the Behavior You Want to See
There are two major ways that people encourage and praise kids. One of them is great and helps kids grow. The other isn’t as helpful.
Here are some examples:
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Descriptive or labeled praise describes what the child did and gives it a label. This helps name what they did well. It helps attach positive behaviors to actions, and it makes them want to do it again.
Evaluative or unlabeled praise cheers on a success, but doesn’t help name what went well. It doesn’t teach that the success is something they can control, so they don't know how to do it again.
Support ADHD Step By Step
Supporting a bright child with ADHD isn't easy.
It takes a balance of support, understanding, and awareness of what not to do.
Reminding ourselves to avoid comparing or dismissing helps.
Using empowering, descriptive praise goes a LONG way. And, it even helps adults flip their thinking to something more positive, which feels good.
You might want to try some help from an executive function coach. These specialists can listen, help you make a plan, and even work with your child to build strong habits for success.
At High Potential Kids, I offer free calls, single session parent consults, and weekly coaching support for kids. I'm looking forward to helping you!